On Happiness
What is it, actually?
I recently discovered Minnie Driver’s podcast Minnie Questions. On it, she asks esteemed guests the same set of 7 questions, all derived from a parlour game from the 1800s. Each of the questions is fascinating and revealing, leading to some terrific conversations, but my favorite by far is the following:
“When is a time in your life that you were happiest?”
The answers vary wildly, ranging from “when I had my kids” to “when I released my first album” to Ronan Farrow’s conflicted answer asking “what is happiness, even?” before commenting that getting a tape of Harvey Weinstein trying to entrap a woman was obviously a moment of huge professional fulfillment but he could not name that “happiness” for many reasons. Often, however, people mention being happiest in the little moments in life. The moments of process, not the end result.
Brené Brown talks a lot about this too when she talks about her concept of foreboding joy. She explains that if you talk to people who have lost loved ones, it’s often the little moments—the joy of doing a crossword together in the morning, noticing the leaves change, a text message to say hello—that are most missed as moments of happiness. It’s these moments that people say “I wish I savored it a little bit more.”
At the end of 2020, I noticed that I was getting caught up in everything that went wrong that year. I know I’m not alone in that—there were so many profound losses, and thinking about it on a global scale was overwhelming. It is still hard to process the magnitude of the pandemic four years later. But when I noticed I was getting caught in a deep depression and cyclical thoughts about all that was lost, I decided I would write down every moment of joy I found that year. So, I went back through my journal that year and started writing down anything that brought a smile to my face: relearning the opening choreography to “A Chorus Line”, Zoom happy hours with friends I never saw face to face because they lived states away, playing Chopped and cooking for my parents, etc.
Aside from moving to LA or dancing on the corner of Los Feliz and Hillhurst when Joe Biden won, most of these were groundbreaking or life changing moments, but I was deeply happy in every moment I wrote down. When I finished the list, I had compiled over 150 little moments of joy in what I thought was a predominantly joyless year. Taking a lesson from that, I started to note little moments of joy in my planner every day. Sometimes it involves things I’m doing, other times the moments are much smaller.
I have come to realize that I really am happy. Not every day or even every minute of every day, but that’s part of being happy, too—overcoming challenges, realizing that I am stronger than I ever thought I was, and growing as a result. It’s not a forced feeling to pretend things are okay when they aren’t or tied to a specific goal. For me, I am happiest when I am in alignment with who I am and who I want to become and am fully present in my life.
For me, "What is happiness?” really comes back to the best song in You’re A Good Man, Charlie Brown. In the aptly named “Happiness”, the characters, with the purity of the children that they are, say that happiness includes: finding a pencil, pizza with sausage, telling the time, learning to whistle, and tying your shoe for the very first time, among other things. The song ends with the wise declaration that “happiness is anyone and anything at all that’s loved by you.”
And that’s a definition of happiness I can certainly get behind.
Ten Things that Made Me Happy This Week
I saw Funny Girl at the Ahmanson Theater and was BLOWN AWAY. Katerina McCrimmon who played Fanny Brice is a revelation. Easily one of the best performers I have seen live. Ever.
Nothing makes me happier than a well-executed tap break. Funny Girl had many (especially those done by Izaiah Harris, which left me spellbound). Here’s another one of my favorites, brought to you by the legendary Gene Kelly and Donald O’Connor.
Big Barbra (and Gene Kelly) week over here. I watched Hello, Dolly for Best Line/Worst Line on Sunday, and it is as joyous as ever. Even if it wasn’t a joy to film…
“Minnie Questions with Minnie Driver” is a truly wonderful podcast.
I got to meet a virtual friend in person yesterday, and it was such a joy to talk for 2+ hours about all sorts of things. And, I visited the SoHo House for the first time, which made me feel very posh.
As I mentioned last week, I started doing pilates, and I really love it.
I had a really fascinating conversation with a friend about Neil LaBute’s “In a Forest Dark and Deep”. The play didn’t make me happy, but the deep conversation about our differing opinions did.
I finished Feud: Capote vs. The Swans. Weird ending, immaculate performances. 100% worth it for the acting.
We recorded an episode on Pretty in Pink last week, and we got to connect with Jenny Hale, a Duckie Dale cosplayer (among others). I now follow her socials, and she is incredibly entertaining.
Bright eyeliner is really doing it for me.
Talk to you next time!
—Melanie