On becoming an adult
Another trip around the sun
Today, I am another year older and wiser.
And I truly mean that. After racing to get out of the door this morning because I was running late because I spent too much time doing my eye makeup (as I do every day, #hyperfixation), I closed my apartment door and made it down to my car and realized…I did not have my keys.
I have a long history of locking myself out of my apartment (see: the record 3 times in 1 month fiasco of 2013 or the Great Super Bowl lockout and subsequent $200 locksmith bill of 2023). Fortunately, however, I have learned a thing or two in the those 10 years (though, the real learning came in the last 7 months). Instead of panicking, desperately texting my building manager, and calling an Uber to take me to my co-working space, I now have a lockbox with a key. I calmly made my way back upstairs, opened the lock box, let myself into my apartment, and grabbed my keys that were resting in their home (another thing I’ve learned is to have a home for my keys right by the door so I don’t lose them).
As someone who earned the “Hot Mess” paper plate award from HER OWN STUDENTS and was given a pair of socks by a graduating senior that said “Adult in Training” during her second year teaching, I was very proud of this adulting moment.
Note: Lest anyone think my students were cruel, you should not tell your students about the time you locked yourself in your second story bathroom and leaned outside the window to call for help OR spill a salad in the middle of class if you do not want to be called a hot mess.
When I was teaching, I never really thought of myself as an adult. When I was on a field trip or in front of a classroom of 45 students, I always had a nagging feeling I needed permission to be there or that someone else needed to be in charge—an “adultier adult”, if you will. I felt like I was a kid pretending to be an adult, lacking any real authority and constantly trying to prove that I belonged there. At the same time, I was restless and couldn’t figure out why the “adult life” I had pictured when I was 16 (including a scripted out fanfiction of my life as a choir teacher) didn’t reflect what I was living in real life. My house didn’t have a mid-century modern design aesthetic, my passionate love life was nonexistent, and my full sense of myself was questionable at best. If this was adult life—I didn’t think I was doing it correctly.
Over the last few years, I have redefined what I think it means to be an adult. Part of that is by realizing that no one really has it together. Everyone I thought was an “adultier adult” was still trying to figure it out as well—they just had a little bit more field experience.
First, finding out that I have ADHD this year helped me reconcile the ways in which I thought of myself as an adult. Many of the things I would have considered “hot mess” or “adult in training” attributes—forgetfulness, lack of organization, lack of focus—are textbook ADHD traits. Learning that, I have begun to redefine what it means for me to be an adult, and giving myself grace and creating “hacks” to work with these traits in a society that is not structured for ADHD has helped tremendously—the lock box was just the start.
Similarly, I’m embracing that the way I thought my life should look as an adult isn’t necessarily the way I want it to look. I’ve long felt that I’ve been a square peg in a round hole, trying to conform that my way of seeing the world and existing with it to the structures and models set up around me. Getting overwhelmed by choice and instability, I would choose the path that was most evident, and this path was generally one I wanted and really enjoyed for a time. But there was often a discord rumbling beneath the surface.
I often joke that I don’t like online shopping or online dating because I have a fear of commitment—and that is very true anytime I feel stuck. My adventure over the last three years—leaving a stable, very structured career and community I had known since I was 12 to move to a big new city with no real plan or community—has shown me that while I need some sort of stability, I need freedom as well—something I first embraced when I went on my solo trip to Vietnam in 2018. I used to characterize this need for freedom as selfish, seeing it as a failing of my sense of responsibility. Now, I recognize that I was interpreting it wrong—I can be incredibly loyal, responsible, and ambitious while still craving adventure and independence.
More defining, however, has been my recognition that being an adult means learning to love myself, unconditionally. Like trying to adapt to modes of organization or processing that don’t work with my brain, I used to mask or hide certain qualities that make me me. My enthusiasm, my talkativeness, my obsessiveness/hyper-fixation tendencies, my inability to control my facial reactions, my “big” personality—at one point or another, I have tried to hide all of these things—feeling “too talkative”, “too obsessed”, “too big”. This year has encompassed a lot of healing moments (shoutout to my awesome therapist) that has me embracing these as assets.
For 33, I’ve decided that being an adult means that I am creating my life for me (so long as I’m not harming myself or anyone else). This includes trying new things so I don’t get bored, creating structure in very particular ways, taking a 20 minute nap at 2:00 PM, and seeking joy wherever I can. That’s not to say that I’ll never be told what to do, fit a structure, or have moments of depression, but I am leading with an understanding of myself that guides me in the most authentic way.
So, yesterday, my therapist asked me if this is the most fun I’ve ever had in my life, and I can honestly answer: yes.
Ten Things I Have Loved This Year
If you’ve talked to me for one half of a second, you have heard me talk about Candice Renoir (#hyperfixation). While the show is truly excellent, what has been the most meaningful to me is Cecile Bois’s nuanced portrayal of Candice as a woman learning to embrace who she is—flaws and all—when things around her are telling her to be something different. It feels silly to say, but this show led me to so many of the realizations above, and it really fell into my lap at just the right time. Also, Raphael Lenglet is a great actor and very, very attractive.
I got to see Jinkx Monsoon not once but TWICE live and in-person. Jinkx is one of the most talented performers I’ve ever had the pleasure of seeing, and they are another model of living fully as themselves.
I’ve been learning French! Inspired by my beloved comédie policière, I have been taking French classes at Coucou in LA. I am so proud of how far I have come, and I am having so much fun with it. I pretty much want to speak French tout les temps. Coucou also have online classes and in-person classes in New York if you want to speak with me sometime :).
I love improv comedy because it’s basically adult make believe. My favorite improv show here in LA is Baby Wants Candy—a team that does an improvised musical based on a suggested title from the audience. I try to go every month. They are brilliant and I swear it’s a magic trick.
One of the best things about LA is all of the amazing food. The restaurants I have gone to and loved are too many to name, but Bavel was the most recent, and it was truly exceptional. Highly recommend if you are visiting.
The thing I miss most about teaching is mentoring teenagers, particularly teenage women. I have had the great opportunity to mentor some phenomenal young women through DemocraShe—an organization that gives high school-aged women the tools they need, both practical and personal, to run for office. I am learning from these young women as much (probably more) as they are learning from me. They are truly going to change the world.
Similarly, I joined Big Brothers Big Sisters this year, and I have loved getting to know my little in our recent outings.
A constant over the last three years has been meditations with Shawnta Valdes. Shawnta is a dear friend of mine, and the best meditation teacher I know. She offers virtual meditations, and the times I drop in are always so centering.
Going into a co-working space has made such a big difference in my quality of life because I get out of my apartment. And, I’ve made some great friends at Second Home, which is a bonus.
Till next time!
- Melanie